the end of an era...

I cant sleep. i wish that i could say that i dont know why, but i do.
i know exactly why.
its because im feeling a sense of nostalgia.

you know, i remember the first day of college.
waking up that morning with the biggest smile on my face.
all i had was a dream filled with ambition.
no fancy backpack, no new pens, not even new pencils.
everything recycled from previous years.
but yet i was going with two great friends
and my friendship with jeanette was as strong as ever.

i remember thinking that nothing would change that
that nothing would come in the way of fulfilling my dream.
it almost became a purpose in life to out do everything.

now...ive lost one friend for good.
and the other friendship is slowly dying.
its probably the hardest thing ever.
thinking all those memories, all those dumb things we did

its so funny, you know...
thinking about how much devotion and love can go into a person
only to slowly fade one day
i know that i treat friendships like relationships,
but there is a great difference between them.
it hit me in the shower:
relationships can end so quickly. i mean, you date someone and they do something you dont like. Maybe you realize that they have no style.
maybe they lack ambition or goals.

but with friendships, they die slowly.
i guess this only applies to real friendships.
friendships that last for years,
not playground friendships.

people say that im crazy dreaming my life away,
and people want to give me all kinds of advice.
but the matter of fact is that i have lost the sense of my ambition.
i have depended on you for so much.
i guess its called love.
and its the friendship kind which is almost always the strongest.
no...i havent lost my mind.
but you were the person to go to when the world was tumbling down.

for everything like:
fabric shopping
random everyday choices
what kind of ice-cream to get
your opinion on the latest fashion week

but for now i guess i will take your own advice that you have given me for years:
"it is what it is"

theres really no way to really explain this.
or maybe i just dont want to
im sure the answer lies within me somewhere.
but i would like to take the journey and find it for myself for once.

maybe tomorrow everything will fix itself
maybe tomorrow we both wont be too busy to not care
maybe for once, tomorrow i will stop over analyzing
maybe even tomorrow i will forget the "im sorry you feel that way" comment.
maybe, just maybe.

but not tonight.

tomorrow will be a new day.
filled with so many journeys to take
so many obstacles to overcome
because so many things can happen in a minute,
so many things die and live in a minute.

for now i will just let time do its thing.
who knows?
no one does!
except aliens, of course.

i wish i could ask the aliens if i will be sipping tea alone in New York in a couple of years.
i guess if that happens
i will be the boy with the biggest self esteem in that city.
going from a broke college kid working non-stop
sleeping four hours a night
to achieve his little dream.

geez...who knew you would be right?
sometimes ambition can get pretty lonely.

i hope no one reads this little thoughtless mess of words.
but if you are,

go out there and make a new friend today.
give them a hug.
give them a smile.
give them confidence.
give them hope.

lets be honest, times are hard.
but the hard times should be over.

although this post seems so sad,
its really not
its a realization of self worth...

just like you always wanted me to find...